So this is my third attempt at getting a blog up on life recently. Fail. =P The other two are saved as drafts, but I just never had time to finish them.. Yay college life. =P *Warning: This blog has potential to be loooong.*
I said I’d talk about the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, so here we go.
When Ryan, David, and I showed up, I was somewhat nervous. Not extremely because I was really looking forward to this.. but still.. I was at The Grace House, which is a rehab center. When we walked in, I unfortunately started making assumptions and judging in my mind. Sure, I hid it with a smile and a friendly attitude, but my heart was all over the judging! Within roughly ten minutes, I cooled my jets and it got a lot easier to just accept them for who they were and where they were at. When we headed downstairs for the actual AA meeting (also opened to the community, not just Grace House members), I started looking around the room and .. well .. my heart started breaking. Why those men? Why did they have to deal with the mess of addiction?
As the men started sharing their stories and opening up, a reality hit me: The only difference between them and myself? They were willing to open up and share with a group of people about their biggest struggles. They were willing to be totally and completely vulnerable, with not only addicts, but about six college kids, two of which were completely strangers in this particular meeting. The only difference was the fact that they were completely stepping out of darkness and into the light. I have my own addictions that I’ve dealt with for years.. And listening to them speak was.. well.. encouraging in a way. It was awesome to sit in that room and listen to what Christ is doing in their lives. I can’t tell you how humbling it was. It really got me to thinking about things in my life and my walk with God. I can tell you that a part of me really hasn’t been the same since I walked out of that meeting on Thursday. The song “Give Me Your Eyes” was ringing through my head..
“Give me your eyes for just one second..
Give me your eyes so I can see..
Everything that I’ve been missin’..
Give me your love for humanity.
Give me your arms for the brokenhearted..
The ones that are far beyond my reach..
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten..
Give me your eyes so I can see..”
And I know you probably wouldn’t expect an AA meeting to help change you from the inside out, but it truly can. These men were so real.. So open.. Christ has already picked them up, dusted them off, and told them, “Come on.. Keep goin’..” And they are! They truly are! It’s so encouraging! Sure, my heart broke listening to their stories, but they’re understanding a new life! Aaaah! =D Sorry, it just makes me so happy to think that I got to see a small glimpse of that. Everyone of them are a walking miracle. They could have been dead many times, but apparently that wasn’t in the plan. So cool. =) I know this all sounds so ridiculous but, seriously guys! The immense joy that I got from listening to their stories and their journeys.. =) Wow..
One of my goals for this second semester is to work on my self esteem level. I get told a lot of really nice things from people, but it’s really hard for me to accept any of it as truth. I’ve had low self esteem for a really long time and I’ve decided that those days are over. I’ve been asking God to show me what it is that he has planned for my life (Jer. 29:11), but why in the world would he reveal a plan with purpose when the person asking can’t even see that they’re WORTH his purpose? I’m done with thinking I’m not worth it. I AM worth it. Am I sinner? Yes. But am I forgiven? You bet. When I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror and I find one positive thing to tell myself. I begin my day with recognizing how God has blessed me. It’s been good thus far. =) Along with this twist of how I’m viewing myself, that’s also affecting other decisions greatly. I’m surrounding myself with positive people; not people who bring others or myself down. I was already doing that, but I reaffirmed myself that things would stay that way when I go home this summer. Oh home. Home will bring many challenges and many tests. My past is at home. Who I WAS is at home. People from my past are at home. They know who I’ve been, where I’ve been, what I’ve done… And they don’t yet know.. I know that many will try to keep the old Hannah around (hey, she’s fun, that’s for sure), but I’m trying desperately to be done with her. Am I still me – the opinionated, sassy, ornery, outspoken, passionate girl who won’t back down? You bet. But I’m trying hard to not give into those vices I was so vulnerable to (and, well, still am) a year ago. The difference between now and a year ago? My attitude. Slowly, day by day, God’s shaking me up a lil’ more & more.. And we’re getting there. =) I’m so excited to see where I’ll be, heck, even next week. However, I’m taking it day by day. I seem to mess up daily.. Something will slip and I’ll say something uncalled for.. A thought may run through my head that doesn’t need to be there.. Heck, even some actions need a desperate reversal. But we’re getting there. I have a question taped to my desk that I see every day.. It was a question that all of us in the youth group started asking ourselves during my sophomore year of high school.. “Who are you living for today?” Ouch. Who’s glorified in the life that I live from day-to-day? Is it myself or God? Ouch. Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it? I had that taped to my mirror the night we were first asked it in youth group, and I’ll be honest – maaaany days went by that I looked at that at smacked myself in the back of the head because I TOTALLY lived that day for me and no one else, and there were many days that I didn’t care. Woops. It’s a work-in process. I’m learning. But, the first step in this whole process is self value. I’m worth it.. And I can clearly see that now. I’m done settling for second best in this area. I’m worth it..
AAAAAnd in all honesty, I had every intention of updating more, but those have been the two big occurrences lately. And seeing as how it’s 1:30 AM and uh.. homework is um.. not completely completed… =D Gotta go!