Heroes Don’t Always Have It Figured Out

My dad never ceases to amaze me. Nothing specific, he’s just the greatest man on earth. For those of you who don’t know, my dad is my numero uno. He’s the best! We were talking about all the things he and I used to do together, and I guess sometimes I just don’t keep in mind that he has truly shaped me into who I am. This is the man who, I kid you not, played dollhouse & tea parties with me. He colored in coloring books, took me hiking (and got us lost once.. it’s funny now), taught me how to play basketball, softball, had me lift weights at the ripe age of about 8, taught me to drive, how to air up my tires & check my tire pressure, did an AWESOME job on the conservative Republican upbringing, taught me how to make scrambled eggs, took me to McDonald’s an hour away just so I could play in the play palace, taught me how to shoot & do all the reloading, taught me how to mow, played about a billion games of Candyland, Rummy, Old Maid, Checkers, Monopoly, Mall Madness (not joking), Clue Jr., and a hundred other games, took me to gun show after gun show, took me to an electric train show, read me bed time story after story, took me to my first 4-H fair when I was a short-snort, watched The Little Mermaid WAY more than any dad should ever have to, hid Easter eggs outside for me every year, took me to numerous Indy Indians games, took me to Holiday World year after year after year, shared tons of cookies & Snapple with me.. we get the point, right? Everything. It all goes back to him. We were talking about a few of these and he said something while I was driving that he says ALL the time, but it struck a different cord this time, “Now Hannah, you be careful driving home. I’ve said it a million times before; I can always buy another car. I can’t buy another Muffin. I’d be lost without you.” Aaaaaaaw! Yeah, okay, now that you’ve had your moment, snap back with me. =P This clearly has a ton of sentimentality to it, but I realized something tonight. Out of the countless memories I have of what Dad did for me and did with me, there’s one that I wish he would have done. I wish he would have taken me to church. I wish he would have been a spiritual role model in my life. Don’t get me wrong — he’s the best role model I could have asked for in every single way, and I don’t doubt that he believes in God. I know he does. But as far as a personal relationship with Christ and showing that at home… that just wasn’t there. And now that I’m “all grown up” and looking at things a little differently, I hate that he said he’d be lost without me. The fact of the matter is, yeah, he’d miss me more than anyone else would miss me if I were gone tomorrow, but when it comes to not having me or not having Christ, who cares if I’m gone?! Life without Christ is bad enough.. but after life…… We Christians know what the fate is of those who don’t know Christ. We know it’s going to be a literal living hell. So, why, as his daughter, do I find it so impossible to talk with him about this? If he could know how many times I’ve talked with Dave about this and how many nights I’ve spent crying myself to sleep because I worry about him and his salvation.. heck, maybe it wouldn’t change things at all, but at least he’d know it’s a literal matter of life and death. This is the most pressing issue on my mind constantly. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about whether or not he’s truly accepted Christ and been baptized. I hate saying this because in a way it makes this situation about me and that’s NOT IT AT ALL, but sometimes I just feel like a spiritual orphan. I know Mom’s been baptized, and she’s great and all, but man that woman can be judgmental.. but I always wonder how in the world God will make things okay in the end. It says he will wipe away the tears from our eyes.. but will he have to continually wipe them away? Because I’m pretty sure that when I look around and see my friends standing with their dads who were rock-solid in their faith, and I turn and look around for mine, he won’t be there.. and that scares me and makes me incredibly upset. Incredibly. For those of you who are reading this and your father is a daily influence on your spiritual life, please, don’t ever, ever, EVER take that for granted. And please, go thank him and hug him RIGHT NOW if you can. Let’s be real frank. Let’s say that the person who had the most influence on your life, taught you more than any school book ever did, raised you the right way, in the end, never knew God and the absolute wonderment of walking with him. Never knew why he was living life the “right” way. Never knew why morals mattered so much. I’m so bothered by this! I’m not sure if this is going to be a Holy Spirit thing where He’s just going to make the moment when I’m supposed to say something undoubtedly known to me, or if it will just have to be one of those things where I jump off the cliff and hope it’s the right time. Either way, if my only purpose on earth is to bring my dad to Christ and after that I’m finished, then fine. Praise God that he used me for it! But if I fail to say something.. God will truly be my only hope in making it through it.

And on that lovely note.. I believe I’ll go read Captivating and go to bed..

Pray on, friends. Really. Pray on.

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