I hit a really interesting point last night. This morning Cole’s sermon was about Jacob and how he wrestled for an entire night with God. That prompted an interesting time for me with God. Jacob was given a new name after this night. He went from old to new.
This is where I’m at: A transition between old and new. I’ve been holding on to certain relationships. Not just holding, but grasping for dear life. Last night I could sense God saying, “Really? Do you really want to hold on to things from the past? You’re transitioning into a new life; do you want to carry this over?” I’ve been attempting to starve to death the sin I’ve been dealing with for more than a decade now. Although the particular relationship I’m referring to doesn’t necessarily touch this struggle, it still is one of the major sources of the REASON I turned to this struggle. Sorry if that’s confusing. Anyway. As I move from old habits to new habits, why should I hold on to ANYTHING of my history that caused me strife? If God’s going to change me, he has to change all of me, not just the parts that I want him to change. I’m behaving just as Israel did.. They wanted Moses to take them back to Egypt. Why? It was familiar. They weren’t lost in Egypt. They were oppressed, they were slaves to the overbearing Pharaoh, their very religion and God were scoffed. But it was familiar to them. It’s just like the woman who’s beaten by her husband. Why does she stick around? Because it’s familiar. While she lives in absolute fear, she at least knows what to expect. As humans, we don’t always welcome change and we for sure never welcome the pain of this life that sometimes comes when God tries to move us into a new land. This is where I’ve sat for so long. I’ve told God that I want something better, but I’ve also stood between him and my past life. Surrender hurts. Turning something over is a very difficult thing to do, but it has to be done, doesn’t it? I’ve never met an alcoholic who was able to just give up alcohol one day and never suffer and struggle through the pain. I’ve never met anyone who’s struggled with giving up a porn addiction without times of downright struggle and war against how porn rages and tears through the mind. We turn to all of these things because they’re familiar. Although they’re terrible, we know them. I’ve known this old lifestyle for a very, very long time. There’s only one relationship that I’ve held onto so tightly. All others I have pretty much willingly given up, and now I have to do the hard thing and give up the final one. Is that painful? Yes. Is it difficult? Well, yes. Am I struggling to figure out just HOW I give it up and what it means exactly to “give it up?” You bet. But I serve a God that’s larger than my problems. And really, that’s all that needs to be said. I’m leaving the rest up to faith.
Pray on, friends.