This weekend I went home for Friday night to help out with Ruminate. Danny wright was the main speaker. What a character. :) he was well over the 300 pound mark, super long beard, super long hair, low gravelly voice. Man, this guy DEFINED biker dude…and daaang was he smart. He was fantastic. He had a fabulous quote about Moses that I’ll have to get from Dave. At one point, he said, “It doesn’t matter if you’re somewhere, out there, anywhere, nowhere, here or there…God wants to find you and love you. And He knows where you are.” This hit pretty hard. I feel like I’m nowhere eight now… I hate my major – no desire left to study music in any way anymore, I hate how busy I am, I’m not where I should be spiritually, etc etc. I’m downright lost to be entirely honest. All I’ve been thinking lately is, “God, where are you in all of this? Why did you let me get to this point? I’m trying to follow you. But there are sins in my life that I can’t get away from. I’m pulled back in time and time again, and it’s a stronger pull every time.” Let’s face it – I’ve tried accountability with friends – as in, yes, I’ve given this a shot more than once with more than one female friend. What happens every time? Nothing. That’s the problem. I finally get to the point of being willing to talk to someone about something (and trust me…it takes me a while to get to that point), and they’re too busy or they only have twenty minutes, or let’s face it: in all actuality, they don’t care. I’m told quite a bit that accountability is very important…but what if I’m trying to make it important but I’m met with opposition on all sides? Then what? God isn’t making ANY sense right now. I try, but it gets me absolutely nowhere.
Jacob wrestled all night with God. He refused to let him go until he blessed him. God had to hurt his hip socket in order to get him to a point of at least considering allowing him to go. I’ll be real here: there have been a number of times this semester when I’ve wanted to let go of God. I’m tired of failing constantly. I’m tired of sinning. I’m tired of Him having to deal with all of my failures. I’m tired of taking the same thing to Him every day and not getting anywhere! I’ve asked God what the heck is going on more times than I can count.
This point of frustration is typically the best thing for me. When I get frustrated, I’m motivated. I do something. I think I’m to the point where I will wrestle until God breaks my hip, dangit.
Note: this post was started about a week ago.
I’ll hopefully get a post up within the next day or so. Chorale is currently touring Florida. Our buses have leather seats that recline, foot rests, and Wifi. Yeah, I should get something up. :)
Pray on. Pray for Chorale. Eighty crazies in Florida. Seriously, someone MIGHT break a hip. =P