You can’t prepare yourself for this.

I guarantee that my story from today tops just about any story any of the rest of you have. Warning: Awesome is about to ensue. I have no deep thoughts for you. I have no “ah hah!” moments. I only offer you an excellent account of part of my day.

 

I went to the church office and talked with Dave about life for a solid three or so hours this morning. I left around 2:00 and decided I really wanted to just have a cup of coffee, chill out, get into Scripture, and get some journaling done. I headed to a favorite coffee shop a few towns over. I walked in and discovered I was the only one there. Jackpot. Perfect. I’d just talked with someone for hours upon end, so I was I was pretty talked out and just wanted some quiet with some background music.

I ordered a Mocha Joe (hot chocolate made with coffee. Perfect) and sat down and began reading. I’d been there about 20 minutes when a couple walked in. I was instantly annoyed with the man because he was the car salesman type. WAY too friendly, WAY too outgoing, and WAY too talkative for what I was in the mood to deal with. Time out: just to give you an idea of what this coffee shop is like in size, imagine a very small, close, intimate setting. You walk in and there’s about a 6-foot table comfortable enough to fit about 6 people on the barstools around it, plus two chairs in the corner right next to it. The coffee bar is about four feet away, so it’s close. I knew they’d obviously sit beside me. There was no other option. But I couldn’t prepare myself for what was about to happen.

The man was talking to the barista and said he didn’t want something as bitter as coffee, but he didn’t want anything super sweet. The barista suggested a Mocha Joe. He explained what it was, and the guy was on the fence about it. I piped up and told him it was what I was drinking & was pretty good. He turned around, smiled, and said, “You like it?”
“Yeah, it’s not bad!”
“Great! I’ll have one of those.”

And I returned to my reading, assuming that would be the last I would say to either of them. Nope. He sat down and began reading a magazine. I had my hand resting on my BIBLE (did I mention that’s what I was reading?) and the man saw Granny’s ring on my finger, which is all diamonds. It basically looks like an antique engagement ring. It’s gorgeous. He said, “Wow! That’s a beautiful ring! Are you engaged?”
“Oh, thank you! No, I’m not.”
“So you aren’t married, then?”
“…No, I’m not.”
“So you’re totally single?”

I’m getting uncomfortable at this point. I glance at the man’s wife who’s still waiting on her drink, but keep in mind, is easily within earshot because of how small this place is, and she just looks at this guy and says, “Oh, honey, stop it! Leave the poor girl alone!” But she says it with a smile on her face and laughs about it…

“Yes, I’m single…”
“That’s interesting..”

And the wife teases him and tells him to stop. At this moment I am very confused because if I were his wife, I would have destroyed him by that point. He apologized and told me he was just curious.. Riiiight. I go back to reading, and this is finally when he took his first sip of the Mocha Joe..

“Oh my god, this is amazing! Thanks for the recommendation! This is awesome!”
I’m getting annoyed. I just want to read… “Yeah, it’s not bad.”
“In fact, you know, there’s only one thing better than this….”

Oh no. I’ve figured out why I don’t like this guy. He’s about to say it and I CAN’T STOP HIM. DON’T GO THERE, MAN!! DON’T GO THERE! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME! YOUR WIFE! THINK OF YOUR WIFE!!!!! And he continued..

“Sex. Sex is the only thing that’s better than this. Don’t you agree?”

He said it. I knew he was going there. It was like a horror scene. The music tells you that the girl shouldn’t go into the abandoned house because there’s a psycho waiting in there to kill her.. but she does. And you can’t stop her. I couldn’t stop my new friend.

“Uuuh.. I.. Uuuh.. Well.. uuumm..”

Okay, guys. You know me. I am NEVER at a loss for words. I can always conjure up a witty and/or sarcastic comment or go along for the ride just for kicks & giggles. I couldn’t even remember the English LANGUAGE at this point.

“Honey, leave the poor girl alone!”
“But I like this one!”

HOLD UP. “This one?” Buddy, you don’t want to mess with me. This absolutely will not end well for you if you try anything with me.

“The poor girl is trying to read. Just let her be.”
“I told you, I like this one. I have a good feeling about this.”

You have a good feeling? I’m about to END said feeling and replace it with some feelings you didn’t even know EXISTED. But I knew. It hit me. These two crazies were swingers. At this point I was staring at him like I was completely flabbergasted, but entirely ready to end his life right then & there if he tried anything at all with me.

“Forgive me, let me explain. My wife and I are swingers. We normally don’t go for just one person. We prefer at least one couple, but I really like you for some reason. Would you be interested in a threesome with my wife and me sometime?”
OH MY GAWD. Composure, Hannah. Composure. And WORDS, woman! Find some words!!!! “Uh… Thanks but no thanks. Not really my thing.”
“Are you sure? We’re very laid back about it and very easy going. We’re not weird about it at all.”
YEAH. You aren’t weird AT ALL. “I appreciate the offer, but no. Not my thing.” CAN I READ THE BIBLE TO YOU, SIR?!?!?! That’s what I would have said if I would have had a better grasp on words in general at that moment.
“Okay, well, I just thought I’d ask.”

Y….Y…You just thought you’d ask? Really? How many people who you don’t know do you “just ask?” At this point I was looking for Ashton Kutcher to walk out and tell me I was being punk’d. Pardon my language here, but I was honestly thinking, “Kutcher, where the hell are you?!?! GET OUT HERE. PLEASE GET OUT HERE.”

I attempted to go back to reading, but I’d basically forgotten how to do that, too, so I just sat there and stared at what I thought at the time were words. They left about five minutes later. I looked up, still completely confused, and just kinda stared out the door like, did that really happen?

Irony. The barista looked at me and said, “Uh…did what I think just happened really just happen?” Remember: everyone is within earshot of everyone.

“Funny, I was going to ask you the EXACT same thing.”
“That was easily the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen happen in here.”
“That was easily the most bizarre thing I’ve ever had happen to me, period.”

And we laughed about it for a bit & that was that. I left not long after, once again wondering why I haven’t yet hired someone to follow me around with a camera because, let’s face it, the weird crap always happens to me and it’s more often than not that friends aren’t there to experience these bizarre moments. For those of you who have endured the nearly-insane Hannah’s Outings moments, bless you for still being my friend(s).

Needless to say, this wasn’t originally on my bucket list, but I added it afterwards. :) I’m not even upset about it. It was so ridiculous that it easily became one of the best moments of my life thus far.

What’s that old song? “I’m just ‘a swingin’…”

Lord have mercy.

Be encouraged today. Or at least laugh at my life.

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